Big Brother Gavin

Yesterday, Gavin wore his "Big Brother Gavin" shirt—the one I ordered for him on Etsy to announce our pregnancy months ago.  I found myself completely overwhelmed at the sight of him, and wishing I could bottle up these last three months before Baby Doc makes his entrance.  

I had this same feeling before Gavin came.  This intense need to capture every moment of time I could when "us" meant just Ryan and me.  It was incredibly sad to think about that time dwindling, and that it would never again be the same "us."  

But then Gavin was born, and he was this piece of "us" we'd been missing and didn't even know it.  He made me fall in love with Ryan all over again.  The way I felt watching Ryan be a father to this new little person I loved more than I knew I could stunned me.

It still surprises me that when Ryan and I go out for a date night, or spend time away from Gavin, at least half of our conversation is spent consumed by him—silly things he's said, goofy things he's done, or how much his orneriness can equally frustrate us and make us laugh.

So now, I can’t help but mourn these last few months of what our “us” has become.  Everything is about to change again.  My baby won’t be my baby anymore.  He’ll be the big brother, my older child, my first son.  

But because I’ve done this before, I know about this piece of our family puzzle we’ve been missing.  I know that even though I’m sad now, when Baby Doc gets here, he’ll fill up a hole inside us that we didn’t even know existed.  And I can’t wait for that.